My Aversion to Dating
It’s high time I properly documented why I am generally averse to dating. I have never been in a proper relationship. I did date a couple of guys in secondary school, but that’s secondary school. We were babies and it doesn’t count. My 1st year of Uni, I was in a long distance relationship for about 5 months. I never really count this relationship because I stopped loving him after the 1st month of being together. My 3rd year, I got back with an ex from secondary school but it did not really work out. We only lasted for about 2 months. Now we don’t even acknowledge each other’s existence. And this was my first love. Sigh. Currently, I am going back and forth with someone who lives in Lagos. I love him dearly, but the distance has done a number on us.
But I am not here to talk about my love life. I’m here to tell you why I generally run away from relationships. I hope someone out there can relate. I like the idea of love — being giddy with excitement because of someone. For me, being in love with someone makes sex with that person a more exciting experience. I can blurt out “I love you” while we’re cuddling after two intense rounds of missionary without being afraid it’ll make him run away. Whenever I see cute couples on twitter and their corny flipgrams, I usually let out an “aww” and secretly wish I had someone. I like the idea of being in a relationship. I yell “goals” when I see my flat mate and her boyfriend being cute. I complain to Krista and Lola that I’m tired of being single. However, every time I enter a relationship, I regret it after a couple of months. Sometimes weeks. Or a month after. Every single time. Even in secondary school. Then I break up with the person, run away from relationships for like a year or two. Then start pining for one, get into a relationship again, break up, run away from relationships….and the cycle continues. Vous comprenez l’idée.
While I think romantic relationships are great, I generally do not like them, and I try to stay as single as possible. I am averse to them for a couple of reasons:
1. The Time Involved
Relationships are time consuming. The time spent on the phone, the time spent hanging out. And it’s even worse when you’re in a long-distance relationship. When my ex from secondary school and I tried to make our relationship work again, we decided that communication would have to be key because of the distance (he lived in Canada). I made an effort to call him on the phone at least once a day and text him in between, but it took a toll on me. I was in my 3rd year in Uni and working very hard at school. The thing with school is that when I am not in a class, I’m doing homework or studying for an exam or in a meeting. I am always doing something school related. When I am not doing anything school related, I am taking a break before I continue working. So there’s really nothing like free time when I am in school. When people say “Call me when you’re done with homework,” I laugh because the amount of homework we have to do never finishes. There’s nothing like being ‘done’ with homework. I (usually) do school all day till I’m ready to go to bed.
Stay with me here; I am getting to how this relates to relationships.
My point is, when I was dating this ex of mine, I had to find time in between doing school to talk to him. I did not like the idea of taking time from studying to chitchat, so I had to use my study breaks. The annoying part about this is that I did not like spending my study breaks chitchatting. I liked the idea of actually resting — lying in bed and doing nothing, gathering momentum for the next activity, spending the time with myself. I am very selfish with my time, so I found it bothersome that I had to take time out to communicate with him. And I’d get grumpy and eager to get off the phone while talking to him. I find communication to be a chore. Time is a big issue for me.
2. The Stress
Relationships are generally stressful on their own; now add that to dating a Nigerian man. Double stress. What exactly stresses me in relationships? There’s the fights and worrying if he still feels the same way about me or if he’s looking at other girls, especially when we’re not on good terms. There’s also times when the guy just isn’t acting right. And women would understand what I mean by “not acting right.” For example, he does something to get you upset and instead of trying to make things right, he acts nonchalant about it. C’est frustrant. Another thing is that in a romantic relationship, when one person cares more, the other usually takes it for granted and starts misbehaving. I’m usually the one who cares more, and I can always tell when a guy I’m dating can sense that and starts acting anyhow. I don’t like when other people stress me out; the only person allowed to stress me is myself.
3. Having to care always:
When you’re in a relationship, you have to care about your significant other’s problems. If they call you at 11pm wanting to lament, you have to make an effort to listen and show that you’re there. Sometimes I just want to sleep.
4. Flirting and attention from other guys:
I like flirting with guys, and I like attention from men, like a lot of women do. And I like to be open about it. I want to able to tweet about it and flirt openly without worrying if my boyfriend would find out. I want to be able to tell my friends about the crush I have on another guy without them asking “Don’t you have a man?” Yes, I do and I love him, but I also have a crush on this other person. Not a big deal. I just want to be able to flirt with other guys, have crushes and get attention from them without my boyfriend being bothered about it.
5. Social Media
Every time I’m in a relationship, I have to be cautious about what I say on social media. I tweet a lot, and I always tweet my feelings. The guys I have dated in the past have always had a twitter account so they can see what I tweet. I just want to be able to pour out my feelings (about my relationship) to my followers freely without my boyfriend questioning me about my tweets or why I am flirting with one of my followers.
One can say that my reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship can also be applied to friendships and other platonic relationships. True. But I’m generally more patient with my friends (who are mostly female) and family than I am with my boyfriends. I might have painted relationships as some sort of prison, but that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just trying to explain my frustration with them. You’re probably getting the wrong idea or maybe I need to work on my writing skills.
My only problem with being single, however, is the lack of physical touch, the foreplay, the moments leading up to sex (and not really the intercourse itself ). I am no longer into casual hookups unless the guy promises to blow my mind and make me feel it in my brain. So yeah, no casual hookups for me, and I prefer if I’m actually in love with the person I’m hooking up with. Like I mentioned earlier, it makes the experience better. Can you see my dilemma? I’m truly suffering.
Relationships are emotionally draining. I always feel so relieved after breakups. That’s usually when the relationship has run its course.
Do I sound like a self-centered dickhead? Maybe I am.
